“Yeah, that’s going to be a problem. It’s gonna be a problem for them. This a clear violation of your rights as a consumer. It’s an infringement on your constitutional rights. It’s outrageous, egregious, preposterous.”
— Jackie Chiles, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Maestro
“Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen into a horrible, twisted freak.”
— Jackie Chiles, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence
“Rugged? The man’s a goblin. He’s only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he’ll be nothing more than a shrunken head.”
— Jackie Chiles, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence
“That’s totally inappropriate. It’s lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous.”
— Jackie Chiles, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Caddy
“You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn’t tell you to put the balm on. Why’d you put the balm on? You haven’t even been to see the doctor. If you’re gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.”
— Jackie Chiles, Seinfeld, Season 7: The Maestro
“This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.”
— Jackie Chiles, Seinfeld, Season 8: The Abstinence
“I am shocked and chagrined, mortified and stupefied. This trial is outrageous! It is a waste of the taxpayers’ time and money. It is a travesty of justice that these four people have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator is walking around laughing—lying and laughing, laughing and lying. You know what these four people were? They were innocent bystanders. Now, you just think about that term. Innocent. Bystanders. Because that’s exactly what they were. We know they were bystanders, nobody’s disputing that. So how can a bystander be guilty? No such thing. Have you ever heard of a guilty bystander? No, because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty. Bystanders are by definition, innocent. That is the nature of bystanding. But no, they want to change nature here. They want to create a whole new animal—the guilty bystander. Don’t you let them do it. Only you can stop them.”
— Jackie Chiles, Seinfeld, Season 9: The Finale